Pills
by SassySuzy84
Summary: Why didn't I want to smile when she kissed me? But I knew the answer. I had known this answer for awhile. So, when she kissed me, I would smile. Hoping that she wouldn't notice that my eyes didn't match my lips. Songficish Song by Perishers
1. Chapter 1

**A/N **So this has been rolling around in my head for awhile. This is def. a Brucas fic...I promise by Chapter 4 you'll understand, so try to stick with it till then. If you hate it after that quit reading, but leave reviews! The song lyrics at the bottom from Pills by the Perishers. I don't own them or OTH. The first few chapters are short but they get longer. If you want me to continue or what not...Review!

She wraps her tanned arms around my neck and lightly kisses my cheek with her soft lips.

I smile. That's what I'm supposed to do when my girlfriend kisses me.

You see, the simple act of her lips on mine used to send my body into a Tilt-a-Whirl of emotions, making it difficult for me to think straight.

The key phrase is "used to."

Something over the years had changed and I no longer had that involuntary reaction.

When did it come to this, I silently question myself. When did I have to begin thinking about what a boyfriend _should_ do, when before I could hardly think when she was near me.

Why didn't I **want** to smile when she kissed me?

But I knew the answer.

I had known this answer for awhile.

So when she kissed me, I would smile.

Hoping she wouldn't notice that my eyes didn't match my lips.

_**I hope my smile can distract you**_


	2. Chapter 2

She had news for me today. And it wasn't good.

I had planned to tell her, really I did. I couldn't keep the charade up much longer.

But when I came home from work, she said she had news.

And once I heard the news, I no longer had a choice. I had to stay.

It wasn't just the two of us anymore. And I needed to fight like hell to keep us together.

So I hope I can stay strong, for the both of us.

She once asked me to fight for her. Now I am. Just not in the way she thought I would.

_**I hope my fists can fight for two**_


	3. Chapter 3

I hadn't been faithful to her for years.

That is not to say I had cheated.

But the woman in my arms was certainly not the woman in my heart.

We had been dating since our senior year of high school.

It took a lot for us to finally be together, so when it happened, I figured she was the one.

I don't know how I could have been so stupid.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't always been in love with another woman.

At least I haven't always known that I was.

But I've always been in love with this woman in some way or another.

I finally realized it about six months ago.

I'd been struggling for awhile, not knowing why I didn't feel more content with my life. What more could I ask for? What did I need? Was there something wrong with me?

"Are you happy?" I had asked into the darkness of our room.

"Huh," she said, drug out of her sleep by my questioning.

"Are you happy?" I asked again, curious as to her reply.

"Babe, it's 2 o'clock in the morning, can this wait?" she said, somewhat exasperated.

"It's a simple yes or no question," I bit out.

"Well," she said thoughtfully, realizing that I wasn't going to give up on my quest so easily.

"I heard once that happiness is the harmony between man and the life he leads," she said.

"So," I implored.

"So, I guess by that definition, I'm happy." she continued with a sigh.

"Ok," I said, still doubtful.

I lay my head back on the pillow as she repositioned herself in my arms. My mind still couldn't sleep, though.

Something was bothering me.

"Hun, that quote," I said, "where was it from?"

"Umm," she said already half asleep "I think it was Camus, but don't quote me on it. Brooke used to say it all the time."

My mind was now racing as a thousand thoughts went through my head. I hadn't thought of Brooke in years. Her smile. Her dimples. Her laugh. Camus. The rain.

"Hey," she whispered into the darkness.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Are you happy?" she asked simply.

No, my brain screamed at me to reply. I'm not happy. Not at all.

Instead my mouth opened and carefully formed a "Yes, of course."

I was thankful for the veil of darkness in the room to hide my eyes.

She could always tell when I was lying and I was sure my eyes would show the truth.

_**So it never has to show **_


	4. Chapter 4

I walked out of the coffee shop and there she was. 

I hadn't seen her in years, but time had been good to her.

Her eyes sparkled, the green overcoming the brown in her hazel eyes.

It's always something unexpected like a trip to the local coffee shop where people always run into someone from their past. I rolled my eyes at how typical it was, yet deep inside I was completely unprepared for the physical reaction I had.

I had known now for months that I was in love with her, yet I had not known how I would react when I saw her.

The truth was that I hadn't worried about seeing her. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would never, could never be with her.

Why should I torture myself with the idea of what I would say to her? When I could never tell her what I really felt.

She smiled widely at me from across the coffee shop, her deep dimples showing clear as day. She quickly made her way to where I was standing and threw her arms around me in a haphazard hug. Her scent surrounded me, her hair smelled of some sugary fruit and I could only imagine how she would taste.

"Hi," she said breathlessly, her ragged breathing matching my own.

"Hi," I said with a small smile.

"So, how are things?" she said in the bubbly way that only she could manage.

"Ok," I said dreading the next words that I was about to say, "Peyton's pregnant."

"Oh," she said, the smile falling from her face only shortly. "Congratulations," she said, "I haven't spoken with her in ages."

"Yeah, she's been pretty busy with the label and all." I said quietly.

"I suppose life just gets in the way..." she trails off, wondering where to go next.

He ducks his head, unable to stare at her directly. As he ducks his head, he sees something on her finger that makes his stomach flip flop.

It's not something he hasn't seen before. She's been engaged to Chase for almost two years.

But this time, when he sees it is different.

Before, when he saw the engagement ring, he was in love with Peyton. At least he thought he was.

It was easy for him to be okay with her engagement when he was with someone else. But now that he knew he was in love her, it made it more difficult.

He began to have questions: was she really in love with Chase? Did she have any lingering feelings for him? If she did, how could she have said yes to Chase?

His thoughts were interrupted by her soft raspy voice.

"Are you happy, now" she asks again, her left eyebrow kinking as she asked.

"Yes," I managed to whisper over the traffic.

"Me, too," she says softly and turns to walk away.

"You know," she says as she quickly turns back, "there used to be a time where I thought I could never be happy with anyone else..."

"I know," I said gently.

My voice hitched at the end, wanting to scream out "I still don't think I can be" but knowing this won't help anything.

"I guess you never know how life is going to turn out," she offers with a gorgeous but sad smile.

"No," I agree, "I guess you never know."

_**And you'll never know**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Here is a quick update...Thanks for sticking through the first few chapters! Also, thanks to the _4_ of you that reviewed...hopefully there'll be more in the future. I'm currently rethinking my reviewing habits because it sucks to see that people read it and have nothing to say. K, so share your opinions!**

As we stood there outside the coffee shop, I tried hard to breathe.

I couldn't believe that she was pregnant. I couldn't believe that it would finally have to be over with us.

I tried not to let him see how the news affected me. Crushed me.

Until that moment I had held so much hope for us. For our relationship.

But the girl that I had once called my best friend was carrying his baby. There was no way I could let him know how I felt.

I couldn't do that to her. To the baby. To him.

So, for the second time in my life, I walked away from him, hoping that my love for my best friend could blind him.

Could blind us both.

_**I hope my love can blind you**_


	6. Chapter 6

She walked through the door and from the first syllable out of her mouth, I knew.

I guess it's instinct. When you've been best friends with someone for so long, time no longer is an issue.

It doesn't matter that we haven't spoken in four years.

It doesn't matter that for the latter part of our friendship, we've been in love with the same man.

It doesn't matter that she is carrying the baby of the man we both love.

The second she walked in, I knew something was wrong.

I patted a spot on the couch next to me and as she took the seat, she began to weep openly.

I knew there were no words I could say at that moment.

So I did the only thing I knew.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, hoping I could bind the pain that was filling her heart.

And mine.

_**I hope my arms can bind you**_


	7. Chapter 7

I couldn't believe my ears.

She had lied. The girl that I had given up the man I loved for, twice, had lied.

"I'm not pregnant," she finally confessed, her face buried in a pillow on my couch.

I almost threw-up. "What," I asked, hoping it was a lie.

"I'm not pregnant," she repeated again. This time she looked up from the pillow, and I knew it was no lie.

"Why," was all I could manage to choke out.

"Because," she began, "because he's slipping away. Because his smile doesn't reach his eyes."

She stopped briefly, hoping I would interject; that I would tell her she was wrong.

When I didn't, she continued.

"And because," she paused with a look I couldn't quite place, "he's still in love with you."

And then I knew I had to speak.

Should I jump for joy at the thought that he was still in love with me?

Should I be a good friend and convince her that it was all in her mind?

I mean, it had to be. There was no way he was still in love with me.

So I did the only thing I could.

"You're crazy. He's totally in love with you. And, even though I **know **he's not, it wouldn't matter if he was in love with me. Because I have moved on."

As I said, the words, I knew they were a lie. At least the part about me moving on.

And so I found myself thankful for the darkness we were sitting in.

Thankful because she could always see when I was lying.

Thankful that she'd never have to see the tears that formed in my own eyes, as hers began pouring out again.

_**So you'll never have to see**_


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Hope you guys are enjoying. I'm going to slow down on the updates just so I can get a little farther ahead...hope you enjoy! Leave more reviews! And to those of you that have, THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!**

"Promise," Peyton whispered into the dark.

"Promise, what" I asked, shaken out of my thoughts by her sudden statement.

We had been sitting in the dark on the couch, for what seemed like hours. I'm sure it was only 30 minutes, though.

"That you won't tell him," she said, her voice cracking at the last word.

"Peyton," I said, stunned at her request.

I'm not sure why I was stunned.

It's not to insinuate that she is a liar. Though, I suppose, she just proved that with her admission about the pregnancy.

I guess I was stunned because I couldn't believe she would ask me to lie for her.

Especially to him.

There used to be a time and place where I would have done anything for P. Sawyer. That's what best friends do.

But that time was well before our mutual love got in the way.

And I think that's what surprised me. Not the fact that she'd asked. But that she would put me in the middle of it.

"I dunno, Peyt," I finally said. "It's kind of a big deal, don't you think?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice trailing off.

"But," I said, knowing there was a but.

"But, he would get so upset," she finished.

"And how do you suggest that he **not** find out?" I asked, bewildered.

"I could always tell him that I had a miscarriage," she mused.

"And you don't think that would hurt him? Or upset him?" I said, outraged.

"Well, he wouldn't be mad at me..." she said, after a long pause.

When did this girl I once called my best friend become so uncaring? So self-centered? Had she always been this way? Or was it some new development. Either way, I didn't like it.

So we sat in the darkness, again.

I began to realize that strangers weren't always the people walking down the street we didn't know; that they could, in fact, be people that knew our pasts but that we had never actually known.

And as I sat there, next to a stranger I had known most of my life, I wondered what we'd come to be.

_**What we've come to be**_


	9. Chapter 9

**At some point I will personally thank everyone for their reviews, seriously...But for now thanks to all who are reading and reviewing, it is much appreciated!!!! **

"Hey, Hales," Brooke said, as she picked up the phone.

"Well, don't try to sound happy to hear from me or anything," I said with a laugh.

"Sorry," Brooke said, truly meaning it, "There's just been a lot of stuff going on."

"With Chase," I asked, worried.

"No," Brooke said quickly, "things with Chase are great."

"Ok," I breathed-knowing I couldn't stand any more guy drama for Brooke.

"So, what is it?" I asked after a moment.

"What," Brooke said, lost in thought.

"The _stuff_ that's been going on," I said, knowing that her nonchalance was an act.

"Well, a friend told me something and asked me to keep it from another friend," she said quickly.

"And you don't think you can?" I implored.

"Well, see," she began.

"I..., She...He" she stuttered.

"There's a _he _involved?" I asked.

"Yeah," she muttered.

"Okay," I said, "go on."

'Well, it's sort of a big deal. The girl told me something that the guy really needs to know. But she asked me not to say anything. But I told her she had to. I mean, he'll find out sooner or later. It's just that..." she said, letting the words rush out.

"Just that what? Look, if there is something the guy needs to know, like will kill him if he doesn't find out. Then tell him. Otherwise, stay out of it. It's not your business and people usually get what's coming to them." I said.

"And, whoever it is that asked you to keep this secret," I started.

"Yeah," she said, meekly.

"Well, she's not much of a friend and you really don't need someone in your life who is going to ask you to lie for them," I said.

"Thank you, Hales," she said after a long pause.

"For what?"

"For being my best friend," she explained.

"You're welcome, Tigger," I said with a smile, "back at ya!"

"Thanks TutorMom," she said, the laughter returning to her voice.

"Well," I said, "I've got to go."

"James?"

"Nope, Nathan," I replied, "he needs a bath."

"I taught you well TutorMom," Brooke giggled into the phone.

"Yeah, yeah" I groaned into the phone.

"Love ya!"

"Back at ya," I replied, hanging up the phone with a smile.

"Brooke," Nathan whispered into my ear as he snuck up behind me.

"Yup," I said, giggling as he began kissing my neck.

"I'm worried about her," I said, after a few minutes.

"Who?" he asked.

"Brooke," I said, exasperated.

"Oh, I'm sure she's alright," he said with a smile.

"Now, what's this about my bath..."

_**One may think we're alright**_


	10. Chapter 10

I looked over at my girlfriend as she brushed her teeth, how much longer could I go on like this.

Realizing, moments later that I would have to go on like this forever.

I groaned, as I climbed into bed and picked up my journal.

I flipped to the first few pages of my first journal from high school and tried to remind myself why I had been in love with her.

Or figure out if I ever had been.

This did nothing to help me out. Because I had started this journal just days after Brooke had broken up with me.

And reading it only made me think of how much I was in love with Brooke.

I groaned, again, slamming the book shut, finding no comfort in their pages.

"Everything alright," she asked.

"Good," I said, rolling over in our bed.

I closed my eyes, ready for sleep to come so I could escape my thoughts. But just as I closed my eyes, an image popped into my mind.

It was a beautiful brunette leaning down, kissing me on my forehead. And in the back of my head I could hear her words that night echoing, one phrase standing out in particular..."I love you, Lucas. And I probably always will..."

So much for a good night's sleep, I thought.

I rolled over, reached to my night stand and grabbed two Tylenol PM. I bit them back without water and then laid back as I waited for them to take effect as her beautiful face met me again.

Who would've thought I'd need pills to sleep at night...I thought, bitterly.

_**But we need pills to sleep at night**_


	11. Chapter 11

Hi. It's been awhile since I've updated, not sure if anyone really cares to read anymore but I've had several chapters done since like 5 months ago at least so here ya go. Let me know if you want more or give me suggestions! Thanks!

I ducked my head, hoping they wouldn't see me.

"Hey, Brooke!" came Peyton's voice from across the store.

Damnit, I thought to myself.

"Hey!" I said, pasting on a fake smile.

And as they approached, I noticed how my left hand began to shake unwittingly against the cashmere sweater I was holding. I guess I wasn't prepared for my first encounter with Lucas since finding out the truth about Peyton's pregnancy.

"What are you doing here" Peyton said, her voice too cheery for her situation.

"Shopping," I said somewhat distractedly, how could she act like nothing had changed?

"You?"

"Same," Lucas replied with a laugh, holding up a half dozen bags as proof.

I couldn't quite place his expression, but it wasn't the face of someone who was in the know about his girlfriends fake pregnancy.

"You?" I laughed, "Shopping?"

"Baby stuff," he shrugged, "never too early to get started."

"Oh," I said, covertly flashing a 'why the hell haven't you told him' glance to Peyton who quickly averted her lying green eyes.

"Yeah, I never knew shopping could be fun but this baby is changing my mind about it."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." I whispered. The "baby" really was changing my mind about some things. Mostly my best friend.

"I gotta uhh..." Peyton struggled for an escape from the uncomfortable baby topic, "go to the...bathroom...yeah the bathroom..."

Lucas and I both looked at her, confused.

"Baby," she said, but it came out as more of a question than a statement.

"K, babe" Lucas said, taking some of the bags out of her hands and smiling. .

"So," I said the awkwardness setting in as I rocked back and forth on the heels of my Jimmy Choos.

"So," Lucas started, looking around the store in a struggle to find something to talk about.

"Peyton said she came over the other night..."

"Yeah," I said.

"Glad you guys are able to be friends again..." he said, "I know it's been hard after...you know."

"Yep." I said with no feeling, regretting the lie as it came out of my mouth.

"What'd you girls do?" he questioned innocently, trying to make conversation.

"Girl stuff," I replied, feeling as if I were going to vomit as the words rolled off my tongue.

That's how much I hate lying.

"Good," he said, glad that he had at least gotten more than one word out of her this time.

"You know," he continued, "I'm glad she has you again. I think that she's felt a little distant from everyone with the whole baby thing."

I didn't respond. How was I supposed to?

"You know," Lucas tried again, "I think she'll be a good mom...I mean, I had my doubts in the beginning, but I think she's going to do an awesome job."

That was it. There was no way I was going to let him go on thinking that she was pregnant and waxing on about how wonderful she'll be as a mom.

"Lucas," I began.

"And you know," he continued, not hearing me.

"I'm really excited about being a dad. I mean before I was scared, but now. Man it's just, maybe it's the shopping, but it's exciting to think that someday there will be a little "mini-me" running around."

Never mind.

"You'll be a great dad." I lied, knowing he'd be a good dad, but not as soon as he thought.

Just then, Peyton came back from the bathroom and started pulling on his arm, ready to leave the situation.

"Bye," Lucas said.

"Bye" I replied.

"It was good to see you, Brooke," Peyton threw in.

"You too," I lied again.

As they walked away, my phone beeped a text message at me. "I love you. -C" was all it said.

"You too" I quickly typed back. It was always easier to lie in a text message.

And though I hated lying to everyone close to me, it seemed like the only way to make it through the day.

_**We need lies to make it through the day**_


	12. Chapter 12

An arm made it's way around my waist and I knew who it was instantly.

It didn't mean I wanted the arm there.

Familiarity.

Just because something is familiar doesn't mean you want it forever.

I wish I'd known that before I had accepted his proposal.

"Hey, hun" forcing a smile onto my face.

"Hey," he whispered into my ear, nibbling on it a bit.

I pulled back, regretting it almost instantly.

You weren't supposed to pull away when your fiance nibbled on your ear.

"Long day," he inquired. He seemed to be unphased by my pulling away.

Strange.

"You could say that," a small smile playing at the edge of my lips, "you?"

"It's always long when I'm not with you..." he said, nuzzling my neck again.

"Well, I've got some reading to do for work..." kissing the top of my head and exiting the room.

Bleh, he was so cheesy.

To be fair, he wasn't **that** cheesy. Lucas could have said the same words and I would have melted into a pool on the floor. I guess a certain amount of cheesiness is acceptable when you're in love with someone.

Damnit, I thought. I have to stop thinking about him, it's not fair.

Not fair to Chase. He was a good guy. He really was. He never would cheat on me. And he loved me unconditionally. And for the millionth time I wondered why I couldn't be happy with him. And I came back to the same answer I always did. Lucas.

Once you've had love, I mean honest to goodness shake you in your shoes love, there's no turning back.

You can't settle for fine when you've had spectacular.

"Hey," Chase said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Huh," I said, still distracted by my previous thoughts.

"You okay?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm okay."

_**We're not okay**_


	13. Chapter 13

"Luke," Haley called out into the darkness, "Luke!"

"This is so not funny Lucas Eugene Scott," Haley whispered into the dark graveyard.

I laughed from my spot behind the tree, waiting for the opportune moment to jump out and scare her.

She was tiptoeing around the graveyard, being sure not to step on what she felt was the part of the grave the body was pointing.

And now was my chance.

"Boo," I screamed, grabbing her arm from my spot behind the tree.

"God!! Lucas!" she screamed, clearly horrified.

"Why do you always wanna meet in the graveyard," she growled after taking a second to compose herself.

"Why do you always agree?" he shot back.

"Why do you always agree?" she mimicked.

"Whatever," she sighed, "what do you want to tell me?"

"Who says I want anything," I said, wishing she didn't know me so well.

"Well, the last time you had me meet you in the graveyard, you told me you were moving to Charlotte," she said. "You're not moving to Charlotte again?"

"No," I said, "but you are right. I do have something to tell you."

"Hmm...let's see," Haley murmured, taking the time to guess at what my news could be.

"You're running off to join the circus," she guessed with a smile.

"Nope."

"You're finally confessing your undying love for me," she said with a wink and a laugh.

"Close but...no," I said, pretending to gag.

"Undying love for...Nathan?" she said with a giggle.

"Ew, no! Wrong on so many levels, Hales," I groaned.

"Well, if you were I couldn't blame you," she laughed.

"Maybe I should just tell you," I said with a smile.

"No! One more guess, she begged.

"Fine, but only one!"

"K, uh," she said, trying to seriously contemplate her next guess.

"Proposing to Peyton," she questioned, silently hoping to herself that this was not his news.

"No."

Good, she silently thought.

"Peyton's pregnant," I blurted out.

"Oh," Haley said. Peyton being pregnant was no better than him proposing.

"Yeah," I said, looking down at my feet.

"So," I said.

"So, what?" she asked.

"What do you think," I implored, silently wishing she would make this easier on me.

"I think it's great," Haley lied. Lucas seemed happy with Peyton, how could she let him know that she'd hoped he'd live a different life. Or at least a life with a different girl.

Haley had always thought that Brooke and Lucas would end up together. Even when Brooke got engaged, Haley still held hope that her two best friends would finally come to the realization that there was no one else in the world for them. But this baby seemed to be the last nail in the coffin of their relationship. As much as Haley wanted to believe that they would end up together, there was no hope now.

Lucas and Peyton were bringing a baby into the world. And as much as she wanted Brooke and Lucas to be together, she couldn't tear apart a baby's family. Not even before it has a chance.

Besides, Peyton and Lucas seemed like they were doing fine.

_**One may think we're doing fine**_


	14. Chapter 14

"Hey Tutorwife!" I smiled at my best friend as she walked up the stairs to my door.

"Hey," she said somewhat distractedly.

"What's wrong?" I said, hoping that Jamie was alright. "You're not pregnant are you?"

"No," she said slowly.

"Then what is it?" I asked, relieved that Jamie was okay and slightly sorry that she wasn't pregnant.

"Peyton and Lucas," she started, but then stopped.

"What about Peyton and Lucas?" I asked, wondering for a second if she knew the truth about the pregnancy.

"I don't know," she paused and then continued, "I guess I never thought they would go this far."

"Huh," I said, confused.

"Look," she began, "I know you're with Chase and you're happy. But...I guess I always thought that you guys would end up together," she rushed on.

"What," I stuttered, surprised at her confession.

"I know, but can you blame me for wanting my best friends to be together."

_No,_ I said to myself, _It's the same thing I want. Wanted. The same thing I wanted. _

"We tried that," I said instead, "it didn't work."

She paused.

"But it could have," she countered, "neither one of you could let it work."

Her eyes pleaded with me to consider the thought.

"Look," I breathed out deeply, deciding now was the time to level with my best friend, "Even if I wanted to be with him, he's with Peyton. He's happy..."

"I don't really think he's _that_ happy," Haley mumbled.

"Why would you say that?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me. "Has he said he wasn't?"

"No," she said slowly, "I guess it's just more of a 'best friend sixth sense' kinda thing."

"A what now," I said, my heart starting to beat a little faster.

"When I look at him, he just doesn't have that _look_ of happiness. I mean, he's not frowning. But I've seen him happier."

"When," I asked carefully.

"When he was with you," she said plainly.

Her words hit me like a pile of bricks.

"Damn that baby," Haley said.

"What," her outburst bringing me back to reality.

"Damn that baby," Haley said, "well not really...It's just that he's so afraid of becoming Dan, he won't even think about leaving her."

"What if she wasn't pregnant?" I asked to no one but myself.

"But she is," Haley said rationally.

"But what if she wasn't," I countered, as the realization hit me.

I had to tell Lucas the truth.

It was time to lay it on the line.

_**But if I had to lay it on the line**_


End file.
